[Washington, DC]  With Osama Bin Laden's latest video message leaked to the U.S. government, world media outlets pour over every word of translated text offered them by authorities.  Conspicuously missing from this 'official release' is a three-minute intro, exclusively obtained by Official News Agency.

Translated:

The following is the transcript of a short introduction to the terror leader's video, addressing friends and followers:

Greetings, greetings.  Be seated.  I have a luncheon at 11:30, so let's move this along.  Before I get to the main message, I have some announcements and a couple of notes.

The bake sale held by the Jihadist Ladies Pinochle Club in March was a rousing success.  We raised a great deal of money, and only three died of food poisoning, Allah be praised.  The next will be on December 12, location to be announced.

The Sheik Osama Dancers will be performing on Thursday night at the base of the big hill with all the snakes.  This is a BYOB affair; alcohol will not be served in accordance with Islamic law.  Music will be provided by DJ Shabbi Shabbi.  All performers and attendees will be summarily executed as heretics at the close of the show.

While we're on the subject of morality, last week, a copy of Hustler magazine was found floating around the ranks.  It was brought to my attention due to the graphic content, and after careful examination, I have determined that this kind of publication is not acceptable for your consumption.  Therefore, I am going to confiscate it.  Other magazines of this nature should be brought to me for review as well.

Moving on, there is a camel tied up in the yellow zone outside the cave.  Will whoever left the poor beast there move it before the volunteer fire brigade is forced to kill it and haul it off?  We offered valet parking, I don't understand the problem.

You know, I'd like to address this issue in more depth, if I may.  The yellow zones were created for a reason.  When you leave a camel parked in the yellow zone decked out in full gear, it's a clear indication to the American pig-dogs that someone lives here.

This particular yellow zone is less than a hundred meters from my headquarters.  Should the infidels decide to target said 'ship of the desert' with some sort of laser-guided present from Hell, yours truly will be martyred before his time.  This thought does not please me.  Am I clear on this?

'Nuff said.  Continuing, I have a short aside to our American Democrat friends: you suck.  Your people elected you to remove troops from Iraq.  Instead, you send more.  What's up with that?

There's a little ranch-style 4-bedroom with a white picket fence waiting for me on the outskirts of Anbar province.  I would like to move in sometime in the next decade.  Can we get on the stick here, please?  On a personal note, Nancy Pelosi - call me, you luscious little peach, you.  I have my cellie, you know the number.  The rash is gone.

And finally, the cafeteria will no longer serve pizza on Wednesdays due to increasing difficulty in sourcing turkey pepperoni.  I know, I know, it's disheartening to all of us, but quite necessary, I assure you.  Regular pepperoni will send us all to hell.